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Pitch Critique

posted Feb 13, 2015, 7:54 PM by Timothy Vienne   [ updated Mar 1, 2015, 6:35 AM ]
Hi fellow pitch readers --

Below is my entry for the #pitchmadness contest. Thank you for reading it!

MG Fantasy

Princess Ari narrowly escapes a witch's attempt to make her the next Sleeping Beauty. But if Ari fails to rescue her long-lost mother, her father might lose his kingdom to a conspiracy of witches.

First 250:

The witch placed the shimmering white dress on Ari's lap, letting it wave in the afternoon breeze.

“It’s very pretty,” said Ari. The castle garden's roses bloomed around her in the rich sunlight. Holding the embroidered gown up to her face, Ari breathed in the scent of clean fabric. If only she could tear this garment to shreds and throw it back in the witch's face.

“You’ll be lovely in it, darling,” said Krechna the witch. A black mole on her right cheek, from which grew three curly hairs, distorted her attempt at a smile.

Ari kept the dress near her face until Krechna backed away. That way the witch couldn't see the tears which threatened her eyes.

“So lovely to be with you on this special day," said the witch, stuffing wispy hair under a black pointed hat. "But I best be off. The king’ll want me to help with the negotiations, I’m sure of it. Business is business, you know.” Her leather boots made a ticking sound on the stone pavement as she marched away.

“You’re going to be just as beautiful as your sisters were on the day they were cursed,” said Igrior, laying a hand on her shoulder. Igrior was upwards of fifty, so he was as much a father to her as a friend. Ari's real father, the king, was too busy with trading disputes to come today.

Igrior shifted his weight. “My dear, why are you crying?”

Ari hadn’t meant to cry, letting drops of liquid fall onto her new present.
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